Undeniable

I have some demons in my past. Most of us do. I have one that I hadn’t seen in something like fifteen years. I thought it had long forgot about me, but no. A few weeks back, I looked it square in the eye.

I’ve been rejected and put down in my life over and over. My kindness is nearly always taken for granted or misunderstood. People who I trust and are meant to love and support me are often some of my biggest detractors. My experience with people, on the whole, has been a negative one.

This has been a common theme from childhood all the way until now. I have a habit of avoiding people when possible and this is only reinforced on the rare occasion I open up to someone who I hope is different.

I went to a private Lutheran school as a child. This may seem abrupt to bring up, but it shaped my early view of the world. I was brainwashed to believe that if I prayed and truly believed the Lord would look after me. It never happened. I later learned it was all bullshit. The original “fake news”.

I’ve always thought of myself as having two sides. There’s a soft and domesticated version of myself. This is the persona that is kind in spite of my experience and docile.

There is a flip side to my ego that is more aggressive and outgoing. It has been suppressed by my default kind nature, I think.

Some people kill themselves when they feel how I did a few weeks ago. It’s something I have thought about frequently, but I am just not a bitch like that.

Something has broken or shifted in me though. This dominant personality archetype has backed me into a corner and made me unhappy on a fundamental level. I think I have suffered some kind of partial ego-death.

I’ve always thought it was so dumb when people off themselves. Why wouldn’t you just force yourself to change? Increase your risk tolerance? Do what you want and be authentic even if people think you’re weird and don’t like it. If you are at the level where you want to die, who gives a flying fuck what people think? What level of risk is unacceptable to a truly unhappy person?

I am choosing reconstruction over self-destruction. If you are sick and tired of being denied, you must become undeniable.